The Sound of Appreciation
In the beginning of a relationship in which attraction exists, similar interests intrigue the mind and time spent together allows for a general affection to grow, there is what Gottman (The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work) refers to as “fondness” and “admiration” towards the one we love. During the dating phase of the relationship and the “honeymoon” phase of a marriage it may seem obvious and feel natural to verbally share your affection toward your partner. However, as relationships have the temptation to settle into routine and as time goes on, without intending to, the words of affirmation or of love begin to dwindle. For this reason, I desire to increase your awareness today by challenging you to ask yourself, “When was the last time I acknowledged the qualities of my husband or wife that I appreciate and adore?” Regardless of how many times in the past you have told your partner how much it means to you when they cook dinner or when they smile at you, it should never be assumed that it loses its power in the relationship. These words of admiration are constant deposits into each spouse’s love bank. As simple as it sounds it creates another safe guard from taking each other for granted and can greatly preserve your marriage!
Despite any frustrations you may currently have in your marriage or while you may be dealing with some deep pain in your relationship, try and imagine words of love coming through and being able to begin the process of smoothing out a few rough edges. This is just one aspect of working towards fighting for your marriage while considering how this step can also be a part of your work in couple’s therapy. There can be a healing balance between hearing each other’s anger or hurt, while feeding your spouse words of appreciation to remind each other that at the heart of it all, they are important to you!
When you are able to reflect on the characteristics of your spouse that you cherished from the start or those that developed over the course of your relationship Gottman suggests that each partner engage in an activity called, “I appreciate.” This exercise challenges you to thoughtfully write down the positive aspects of your husband or wife that you appreciate and to share the outcome with each other. Moreover, be sensitive to how you respond to one another as another way to reinforce your partner’s words of affirmation as it also requires a level of vulnerability to openly share what you appreciate, especially if your relationship is working towards restoration. This is a time to choose to focus on the positive efforts your husband or wife is making to display their love while watching the emotional connection in your relationship continue to build, even after several years of marriage!
